Bad guys never know they're bad.

You know how in some movies the writer fucked up by making the villain realise that they're the bad guy and go on about how evil they are etc? Basically this is NEVER believable unless its a Disney movie. Realistic bad guys always think they're in the right - the protagonist is the one fucking with their perfect plan.

Anyway, the other day it kinda struck me that maybe this is the case with me. I'm always hearing about how people think I'm really arrogant and just shrug it off to them not understanding my social phobias and not taking the time to approach me etc etc.

But lets be reasonable here, being arrogant is just a certain way of acting, and clearly I do act that way. Perhaps I expect far too much from people when really there's no two ways about it, intentional or not, I am being an asshole.

I really have to stop making stupid sarcastic jokes when I can't think of what to say. Or pretending to ignore people if I'm too shy to say hi to them, or any other number of things.

From our own perspective we are always going to be the hero, everything we do is right, or if its not - its just a mistake. But perhaps a lot more of us have to take a metaphorical step back and realise that perhaps in the grand scheme of things we are one of the villains.

Sad thing is this probably won't change me.

Is it fair to be lonely when lots of friends want to hang out with you?

Problem always is there are a few certain people I would really like to be able to spend more time with and just can't. Sometimes dwelling in the loneliness is better than going out and having fun with everyone I can manage to go see.

I think I have far too many imaginary 'potential' conversations with people and forget all the things I havn't really said to them.

What I do each night when I get home from work

Well, tonight at least. Just managed another shift. I don't really want to be a manager because as it is I can get any bottom of the barrel teenager who happens to work at Burgerfuel to cover for me, if I was a manager there are only like 2 people who could replace shifts I need off. Regardless, it seems unlikely I will still be working here in a few months, better work out a timeframe and give Colby the heads up.

SO anyway, sitting here with a cold glass of Scrumpy, deciding whether I'm going to play World of Warcraft (which that fucker James somehow convinced me into putting another month on my account for) or watch Pirates of the Caribbean.

Its possible I will do neither and just browse through Doppelgängers myspace friends requests looking for cute, smart girls with good taste who clearly want to fuck me. :)


This may be why I mostly only find girls from out of town :rolleyes:

There's loads of booze in the fridge, inculding horrible looking alchopops which could only belong to my sister. I wonder if this means she's going to have annoying parties here all the next couple weeks while parents are away. Hell.

I don't have a day shift tomorrow which effectively means I don't have a bedtime, normally I need to get to sleep by 2:30, and fail, so tonight's bound to be a late one.

It sucks being an adult because people don't tell you what to do

Actually they still do, you just don't necessarily believe they're right anymore.

Growing up eh, the only problem with it is that given absolute freedom I tend to stagnate. I mentioned loss aversion in a previous blog, which is when one is afraid of change because change always reflects some kind of loss of the way things are, and even if said changes could be for the better it always seems safer to just stick with what you've got.

I was never supposed to live in Hamilton, this place actually is a shithole. Fucking glad there are good cunts here to rock with in the weekends because otherwise there's just munters yelling homophobic insults and a scummy river.

But still I keep expecting someone with some kind of authority to come and tell me that enough's enough and I can fuck off from here, or quit my job and start writing songs again, or whatever. So I keep living the same week over and over - pop back out in the weekend to try to vaguely catch up with friends who all miss me because they're used to me being constantly unemployed and floating about.


Fuck growing up.

I live for those brief moments where I'm not afraid of every human being on the planet

It's true. Which mostly means when I'm on stage playing, I dunno how obvious it is that the rest of the time other people terrify me, but ya know, the whole band thing is just about all I got going for me at the moment.

But before I get all depressed let's not forget that there are some few people that most of the time are exceptions to the rule, I'd really like to thank all my close friends (who I for some reason can feel normal around) for existing, and all those other people who in the past have been like that too, even if things got weird with us at some point - it still rules that there were times where I was actually comfortable in your presence.

I wish I could work out how to feel the way I do performing the rest of the time, because quite frankly I often hate how I am - avoiding people's eyes on the street to pretend I don't see them so I don't have to say hello first.. sometimes secretly hoping they don't notice me so they don't realise that I was trying to pretend I didn't see them in the first place... and this isn't people I dislike, I mean they're people I'd love to talk to if I didn't feel so awkward. Guess I can barely explain it.

Beer is the best medicine, this is why so many people think I'm an alcoholic - if I drink everyday I forget I'm scared of social contact for a while ;)

Is it pretentious to say I'm living an alternative lifestyle?

It's really fucked up how often people gasp in shock when they hear I'm going to bike 25 minutes home from work. They usually aren't even accounting for the fact that I've already done it 3 times earlier that day, and that over the previous week there was heavy rain.

How did we as a species get so fucking lazy? .. In fact it's not even laziness, because I guarantee you the amount of time I would save driving would not (assuming my time is worth minimum wage) cover the cost of the petrol to do it.

Ya know, now that I think about it, it isnt really about people being lazy, or looking out for their own personal comfort - I'm sure it is more to do with the indoctrination aquired just living in this society. It's dangerous to do something different, people make out like it's so hard to start biking or walking everywhere, or going vegan, or not shopping for stupid shit like clothes every week. But its not hard, its easier.

I suppose it fucks me off the most when people who seem quite willing to admit they believe most of the world's problems are caused by the way us 'privlleged' countries live our lives, and will stand around condemning society - suggetsing alternative ways that would improve the situation, arguing theory about how our actions effect the global economy and environment.. but are still unwilling to make those changes they support in their own life.

I tells ya, Michael Jackson had it right.

I slept with Dick Dynamite and all I got was this lousy haircut

There seems to be a scary correlation between me being 'involved' with a girl and me eventually shaving her head. As of late I also seem to keep getting into briefly intense flings that lead to one or two days of sex and fade off into another haircut statistic...

I sometimes wonder if people just wanna fuck me because I'm an incredibly modest, well endowed, intelligent, good looking and talented rockstar - seems more likely that once they get to know me it becomes all too evident how socially inept and passionless I come off.

Hard to say whether the passionlessness is what I claim it is or not, it's much easier to imply you just want a quick meaningless lay rather than admit you have some bizarre loss aversion thing going on where committing to a single person could close all these other doors... or in some cases reaching out to someone could potentially ruin what little we have... Definitely go hard with loss aversion regardless - hard to believe that not all change is bad, and taking chances really does get you what you want sometimes.

It's funny - after Marama and I broke up she mentioned that she'd thought I had only hung around with her all the time because I had nothing better to do. Felt so guilty for making her feel that way. Really if it were reworded it isn't far from the truth - I had nothing better to do because it was my favorite thing to do. During that time just being with her always felt really good and it's gutting that I never was able to communicate that.

Anyhow, lost that feeling, such is life.

Wish I could work out how to not do that again, but it's still exactly how I am, scared of some stupid rejection that I know isn't coming but still can't get around.


But in the meantime, nothing wrong with there being more pretty girls with shaved heads in the world. ;)